Seeing.Differently.

I am a Christian, I think.

I have a religion. I think. 

My religion taught me how to humble myself down, and to extend help whenever I see someone in need. My religion taught me to live in a community where you can smell love miles away.

I met 20% of Christians at work place, given the secular society I currently live in, this percentage is considerably high. I found hope and I praised God for all His people he placed. I dreamt of expanding God’s kingdom. The word Camaraderie flashed through my mind. 

Now, 99% of my closest friends are non-Christians. And who says I cant talk to them on a deeper level? Our topic ranged from studies, friends, relationship, God and even martyrdom. Yes, we did talk about dying for our religion.

Imagine if I were to date a non-believer. Chances are, most Christians think I will be condemned to hell. People said I stray. Non-believers think this is a breakthrough from our conservatism. Reality is, for every righteous Christian we find, we can find another unscrupulous one who does unimaginable thing. Look at the priest molesters. But of course, for every atheist/agnostic pervert we find, we can also find another Good Samaritan who upholds their moral values even without a religion.

‘If we are not creating impact outside the 4 walls of church, then we are missing the point’. So true. So applicable to people I can immediately relate to. We spent too much time in the church and living in our own community, believing that it’s US against the world. Wake up, folks. While 9 out of 10 Christians build a relationship with the agenda of evangelism, it’s the 1 person who maintains the relationship which draws someone to God. 9 people walk out the moment you say ‘No, I don’t believe in your Jesus’. If we claim that God is Mighty, Powerful and Loving, why aren’t God’s people like Him?

Mahatma Ghandi spent years in Britain studying around the Christians, and it was precisely because of the Christians he met did he summarised his position in this -  ’ I cannot concede to Christ a solitary throne.’ 

Just so you are wondering, I am a Christian too. 

soul survivor - 1

I spent the last couple of weeks doing some soul-searching, questioning the beliefs I used to hold on so firmly to.  

So, if you could sum up religion in a sentence, what would it be? 

My mom said it was about loving and forgiving your enemies. It shows how hard she finds it to forgive and accept one completely. 

Another friend thought it was about sinners receiving grace. It shows how he is willing to humble himself to someone Mighty. 

Some said it was about rewarding and punishing. It shows the recognition they long for, or the justice they advocate for. 

Even more people believed it was about controlling and rejecting  behaviour. That shows the defensive side of men, or how men are constrained, that we find every little reason to breakaway from any doctrines which may dictate our lives.  

I do not have an answer to what Christianity defines. For I know if one thing that is wrong, I am. We are what is wrong with the world. 

Whenever faith seems to be an entitlement, or a measuring rod, we cast our lot with Pharisees and grace slowly slips away. Often times I have forgotten about the big word - grace. 

In the end, I did return return home as a humbled prodigal to the very ”institution” I had fled in pain and rebellion.

And the end of all our exploring

Will be to arrive where we started 

And know the place for the first time. 

T.S Eliot

And I specially like this quote from the book I am reading recently: 

”I did try to found a little heresy of my own; and when I had put the last touches to it, I discovered that it was orthodoxy. - Chesterton, Orthodoxy

After all, the truth doesn’t change. It is waiting to be discovered. 

Forgiven. But why is it so difficult to love someone after all that had happened? All the struggle within to brush the pride aside, and to love unconditionally. I’m trying to, but with each failed attempt it makes me feel even more inhumane. 

So, this is my first post as a working adult. Biggest takeaway from work thus far - ignorance is bliss. Being overly sensitive and being able to read expression is not a good thing at all. 

And I am feeling low for no apparent reason. Can’t find the meaning and purpose of all this struggle. Can’t see the light. Can’t feel the presence and  can’t see the plan. Feeling burnt out after so many mentally and physically tormenting moments. (The thought of going through another peak really freaks me out - not because of the long hours, but to step out of this comfort zone and to know the team all over again.) No more politics, please. 

Some said they feel closer to God when they are in trouble and I wished I could say that too. But God, maybe You have trusted me too much?